Oh that little Michael. He's such a character, and so fun to be around.
He's a great little helper in the kitchen. When I'm cooking he lives to see what's going on. If he's not sitting on the "wall" (counter) we have a little routine where he pushes and I pull a chair from the table around to the counter. I love our kitchen chatting and mixing and feeding bits of the cooking to my little buddy. The other day while I was cooking dinner I said, to myself, "what the...?" "heck" was Michael's contribution without missing a beat.
Michael LOVES to do the dishes. Sometimes when I need to get something done, I'll fill the sink with water and measuring cups and he determinedly washes every bit of dish he can get his hands on. It's not the same in the bathtub or even the pool. I guess there's something about helping in the kitchen...
We got Michael a Little Tikes car for Christmas, and he would be happy with that and no other toy ever again. He loves it. He also loves to order chicken and "fre-fries" through the window much too often for my liking. I mean, what's wrong with ordering imaginary carrots every once in awhile? ;)
Michael still calls me "mama" and I can't get enough of how sweet it is. "SawMama" to apologize and "okay, Mama" when I talk to him and ever need a response. "Okay" is everything. "Michael, would you like some lunch?" "Okay!" "Should we go swimming?" "Okay!"
If I ask Michael about a scratch he'll say "Ashes" which is code for; "I fell down." Kills me. This, coincidentally is also his response whenever someone falls; "Mama, ashes!"
When I ask him what he wants to eat, it's always "beans and chocolate". More recently it's been TACOS! He's never, to my knowledge, had a taco. How does he know these things?!
He LOVES, with all the love he has, Hotel Transylvania 2. He quotes it. He watches it at least in part on a daily basis. Sometimes I try to tempt him with trains or cars or Minions, but we always come back to "Hotel".
The guy hates, with all the hate he has, Nursery. We're still at the sobbing-heaving-sobs-if-he's-left-alone stage. Does anyone know how to cure this? I struggle knowing what to do! Do I just leave him? I feel badly for the teachers. Navigating all those toddler feelings? Hard. And of course I hate to hear his little heart breaking all over the Nursery's ancient firetruck toy.
Crying because you don't want to go to bed, but you need to sleep because your brain is growing and I'm failing your future perfect IQ by letting you stay up too late? Fine. Crying because you're too young to realize that I'm not abandoning you forever, you will eventually see your family again and all these people are strangers but you need to learn how to be forsaken and deserted? Not fine.
See why I struggle?
Our nursery struggles aside, this boy is one of the very best parts of my life. I love his laugh and his adorable personality that is oh so silly. He is curious and thoughtful and kind and brave. Thank you, Michael for being my little boy. Happiness is being your mama. I love you more.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Congratulations
Today we worked on figuring out medical bills. Does anyone else feel like you have to have a college degree to understand insurance claims? Boy, do I ever.
As we hung up with the nice lady who patiently explained where and how all our pennies are being distributed (there are lots of pennies to be distributed), she sweetly said; "congratulations on your little one." I guess all the claims were billed to procedures that looked a lot like a new addition to our family. It was a punch in the gut to hear the words and know I would never bring my baby home.
But you know what I know? Every piece of my soul knows unequivocally that God cares about families. He cares about mamas being the best mamas they can be, and about babies being born and loved, and about daddies who are heroes to their little boys, and kings to their little girls. He. Cares.
Until yesterday at about 2:40 PM, for some reason I have been feeling like we are asking for the moon and every single star in the sky with all the long and multiple pleading prayers for our little family. Then yesterday at about 2:40 PM it hit me. He wants this for you too. It was empowering more than entitling. Because when you know you're working with God, that's like the best ever.
As we hung up with the nice lady who patiently explained where and how all our pennies are being distributed (there are lots of pennies to be distributed), she sweetly said; "congratulations on your little one." I guess all the claims were billed to procedures that looked a lot like a new addition to our family. It was a punch in the gut to hear the words and know I would never bring my baby home.
But you know what I know? Every piece of my soul knows unequivocally that God cares about families. He cares about mamas being the best mamas they can be, and about babies being born and loved, and about daddies who are heroes to their little boys, and kings to their little girls. He. Cares.
Until yesterday at about 2:40 PM, for some reason I have been feeling like we are asking for the moon and every single star in the sky with all the long and multiple pleading prayers for our little family. Then yesterday at about 2:40 PM it hit me. He wants this for you too. It was empowering more than entitling. Because when you know you're working with God, that's like the best ever.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Loosing Something
A few weeks ago, I lost my baby. Maybe people think I'm dramatic because I wasn't very far along. Maybe others think my body or that baby weren't quite ready for a pregnancy so good thing it didn't work out. Maybe it's so common that it shouldn't be so hard. But three weeks post lots of blood, pain, a surgery and emotional scars that might never completely heal, I don't buy any of it.
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."
-Maya Angelou
It makes me sad to think of all the milestones I will never experience with this child. It makes me sad to think that a living, healthy pregnancy was terminated and removed because my body messed up.
In the middle of trying to navigate lots of devastation, I came across a drawing of a woman with a gaping hole that went straight through her middle. That perfect depiction of my feelings often has me glancing down at my now empty middle, surprised that the same hole isn't staring back at me. I've held that same empty middle so tightly it hurts, because it makes sense that holding on that tightly will keep me together when it feels like I am going to shatter into a million pieces. There are some holes that will never be filled.
I have a lot of questions, and I don't need answers. I DO know that restoration applies to me. In some way, someday, I will know that baby I lost.
Little one, I will spend the rest of my life recognizing moments full of you. I will always wonder who you would have been. I carried you every second of your life, and I will spend the rest of mine loving you.
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."
-Maya Angelou
It makes me sad to think of all the milestones I will never experience with this child. It makes me sad to think that a living, healthy pregnancy was terminated and removed because my body messed up.
In the middle of trying to navigate lots of devastation, I came across a drawing of a woman with a gaping hole that went straight through her middle. That perfect depiction of my feelings often has me glancing down at my now empty middle, surprised that the same hole isn't staring back at me. I've held that same empty middle so tightly it hurts, because it makes sense that holding on that tightly will keep me together when it feels like I am going to shatter into a million pieces. There are some holes that will never be filled.
I have a lot of questions, and I don't need answers. I DO know that restoration applies to me. In some way, someday, I will know that baby I lost.
Little one, I will spend the rest of my life recognizing moments full of you. I will always wonder who you would have been. I carried you every second of your life, and I will spend the rest of mine loving you.
Motivation
I've been a whiny little monster about my life lately. I don't have energy, my emotions are all over the world, and I cannot pull myself together long enough to make the gym a habit again. I've been pinteresting my brains out trying to find the perfect thing to motivate me back into a better, healthier routine. I have been reading fitness articles like crazy, and at my all time lowest of lows I actually even Googled something to the tune of "what goals to set in the gym." Seriously? Like I can't figure that out on my own? sesh.
And then I was like; "dude. Snap out of it!" Because at what point are the hard things in life really not at all about motivation? They're not. Doing hard things is about discipline. It's not about how you feel about going to the gym, or having a daily walk with God, or keeping the house clean. The hard things aren't about feeling motivated. Stop the whining, Sandoval and just do it. I guess maybe those Nike people had it right all along.
And then I was like; "dude. Snap out of it!" Because at what point are the hard things in life really not at all about motivation? They're not. Doing hard things is about discipline. It's not about how you feel about going to the gym, or having a daily walk with God, or keeping the house clean. The hard things aren't about feeling motivated. Stop the whining, Sandoval and just do it. I guess maybe those Nike people had it right all along.
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