When I asked JR what he wanted to accomplish in the next year of his life his response was; "sleep a little more and drink a little less." Oh brother. (that's a loosely quoted lyric to a country song BTW)
Well, husband. Here are my wishes for you always, but especially now around the day you were born:
I wish for you to grasp a sliver of the love from a son who adores you. A son who regularly tells anyone who will listen; "My dad is big and strong." He wants to be just like you in every way. Unless you're being Tow Mater...Then he would rather climb onto your back and have the ride of his life. His bike is a motorcycle, his play time almost exclusively consists of "fixing" everything. From his favorite song to the cologne he asks for before going to church, his complete conviction that his Little Tyke's car is a truck to his love of sports, he worships you. You are everything to him.
I wish for you to know how much I depend on you. You have dried tears born from a broken heart and perpetuated laughter into gasps for air and more tears. No one has stretched me more. No one has known or loved the parts of my very soul that you have discovered. You are my rock. You are my life and my entire world.
I wish a year full of adventure and risks, heart-stopping risks as you dream your biggest dreams and watch them all come true.
I wish for you to have quiet times of peace and self assurance. To look introspectively and really notice that your life has been built on loyalty and goodness, acceptance, hard work and honesty.
Happiest of birthdays, Mr. Sandoval. May all your wishes come true. And mine too! I do love you so.
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Monday, July 10, 2017
Promises
I know that my God is a keeper of promises.
By making me wait or plead or grieve and plead some more, my life has been uniquely constructed to become a significant answer to many prayers uttered, cried and incoherently thought.
“When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that … [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows.”
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am ashamed to admit that recently in a moment of weakness I metaphorically shook my fist at heaven and between sobs "yelled", "Is (fill in the blank) really not as important as learning to trust You?" As soon as that barely lucid thought was produced, I felt ashamed but also filled with peace. Ashamed because, duh. And peace because it was also a moment of crystal clarity. In that moment of self-discovery, I saw definitively what He was trying to teach me.
That's never an easy lesson to learn, but I'm working on trusting You.
By making me wait or plead or grieve and plead some more, my life has been uniquely constructed to become a significant answer to many prayers uttered, cried and incoherently thought.
“When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us remember that … [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays into bright tomorrows.”
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
I am ashamed to admit that recently in a moment of weakness I metaphorically shook my fist at heaven and between sobs "yelled", "Is (fill in the blank) really not as important as learning to trust You?" As soon as that barely lucid thought was produced, I felt ashamed but also filled with peace. Ashamed because, duh. And peace because it was also a moment of crystal clarity. In that moment of self-discovery, I saw definitively what He was trying to teach me.
That's never an easy lesson to learn, but I'm working on trusting You.
Merriest of Christmases
2016 is the first year I have done a Christmas card! I felt so grown up...
The Tree of Life at Draper City Park. Michael thought the lights were cool (said a swear word when we pulled up. That was not awesome...and where does he get these things?!) but he really really loved the hill at the park. He spent most of the night making himself dizzy rolling down that hill. Before each and every turn he would arch his back and throw his head back and around to get the rest of his little body to roll. It was hysterical to watch. Once he made it to the bottom he could barely stand up, A. because his coat makes limber movement difficult, and B. he was so dizzy he was walking sideways.
Trains. I guess it comes with raising a boy; trains are kind of a thing at our house. A big thing. This little boy's whole little heart is dedicated to trains. The Polar Express has been big for us this year. He shouts; "All abbbbbbbooooooaaarrrrrrrd" (even nails the low to high inflection of a true conductor's voice) and regularly asks to punch our tickets-- "Tickets please! Tickets!" He lines up the kitchen chairs, or if that seems too hard, the kitchen rug becomes a train. I sit with him on the kitchen rug a lot and my little conductor makes our train ride the best, every time.
Pa had a beautiful train set around their Christmas tree this year and Michael LOVED it! Watching his face as his eyes followed that train around the track was simply magic. He loved to point out all the little figurines that made up a Christmas village around the track. That Christmas train was a special place for Michael this year.
I guess it wasn't too hard to decide what to get him for Christmas. He is so careful with his very own train table, and I must say I am very proud of the track configurations he comes up with regularly. Of course he owns that conductor thing with his personal set...
The Nativity has always been special to me, and I think having my own little baby boy somehow makes the story even more significant. This year Michael and I worked on a project to color different characters of the nativity and talk about each one. It was a fun activity for us to do together, and besides his clear artistic talent, my favorite part was him calling the wise men, "wise things".
For us, Christmas Parties are always a fun way to show our family and friends we love them. We had our annual cookie exchange and Santa visit at our house this year. We also played a game called Heads Up that turned into quite the hit, and very much a spectacle. Our friends, the Zamoras also through an Ugly Sweater Party that is always a fun time. (the picture below). Then of course the extended family Christmas parties make a good excuse to see all the long-lost cousins.
Overall, the Christmas season was a beautiful time filled with good friends and family and never enough glitter. Along with all the goodness of the season, unfortunately came some anxiety and panic attacks for me. I don't know that I could really pinpoint a source, but it was hard! I felt like I was grasping at anything that would help me feel the calm and peace that I wanted to feel for the season. Somewhere along the way I found a quote that I clung to through the weeks of Christmas time, and ever since.
Gosh I really love our pictures! I just adore Christmas cards from friends and family, so it was fun to contribute our own to the mix this year.
Some other highlights of the season...
Pa had a beautiful train set around their Christmas tree this year and Michael LOVED it! Watching his face as his eyes followed that train around the track was simply magic. He loved to point out all the little figurines that made up a Christmas village around the track. That Christmas train was a special place for Michael this year.
I guess it wasn't too hard to decide what to get him for Christmas. He is so careful with his very own train table, and I must say I am very proud of the track configurations he comes up with regularly. Of course he owns that conductor thing with his personal set...
The Nativity has always been special to me, and I think having my own little baby boy somehow makes the story even more significant. This year Michael and I worked on a project to color different characters of the nativity and talk about each one. It was a fun activity for us to do together, and besides his clear artistic talent, my favorite part was him calling the wise men, "wise things".
For us, Christmas Parties are always a fun way to show our family and friends we love them. We had our annual cookie exchange and Santa visit at our house this year. We also played a game called Heads Up that turned into quite the hit, and very much a spectacle. Our friends, the Zamoras also through an Ugly Sweater Party that is always a fun time. (the picture below). Then of course the extended family Christmas parties make a good excuse to see all the long-lost cousins.
Overall, the Christmas season was a beautiful time filled with good friends and family and never enough glitter. Along with all the goodness of the season, unfortunately came some anxiety and panic attacks for me. I don't know that I could really pinpoint a source, but it was hard! I felt like I was grasping at anything that would help me feel the calm and peace that I wanted to feel for the season. Somewhere along the way I found a quote that I clung to through the weeks of Christmas time, and ever since.
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Thankful Thoughts
Thanksgiving and Christmas were here and gone before I could even really get any good pictures. Okay, so I got a few...
The holidays were stressful and weird this year. We (meaning JR and some awesome family and friends) put in new floors that we (refer to above parentheses) barely finished in time to host a "Fakes-giving" dinner on Friday. Not having a kitchen or any real access to the main living area of our house for awhile was beyond crazy. I'm proud that we all stayed mostly sane and didn't punch each other. Win, win.
The new flooring looks so incredible. I'm really proud of the husband for figuring out a hard project and making everything so beautiful. I still have to remind myself that certain pairs of socks lend themselves to hardcore falls on that floor, but otherwise I am completely in love. It all feels very cozy.
JR and our brother, Jeff had a great time staying up most of the night for their traditional Black Friday haul. JR came home with a record player. (insert red-faced, wide-eyed emoji here) At first I was convinced he could not be serious, but really, there's something about the crackling of a good record that says, "pour some hot chocolate and get cozy on the couch" or "cue the low lighting and a slow dance with your lover". *sigh*
This year I have so many things to be thankful for. Here are just a few...
1. Tender mercies & periodic glimpses of eternity
2. A loving and supportive family
3. New friends, and very dear old ones
4. Being called Mama
5. Progress with goals
6. My husband, I sure do love that sweet boy!
The holidays were stressful and weird this year. We (meaning JR and some awesome family and friends) put in new floors that we (refer to above parentheses) barely finished in time to host a "Fakes-giving" dinner on Friday. Not having a kitchen or any real access to the main living area of our house for awhile was beyond crazy. I'm proud that we all stayed mostly sane and didn't punch each other. Win, win.
The new flooring looks so incredible. I'm really proud of the husband for figuring out a hard project and making everything so beautiful. I still have to remind myself that certain pairs of socks lend themselves to hardcore falls on that floor, but otherwise I am completely in love. It all feels very cozy.
JR and our brother, Jeff had a great time staying up most of the night for their traditional Black Friday haul. JR came home with a record player. (insert red-faced, wide-eyed emoji here) At first I was convinced he could not be serious, but really, there's something about the crackling of a good record that says, "pour some hot chocolate and get cozy on the couch" or "cue the low lighting and a slow dance with your lover". *sigh*
This year I have so many things to be thankful for. Here are just a few...
1. Tender mercies & periodic glimpses of eternity
2. A loving and supportive family
3. New friends, and very dear old ones
4. Being called Mama
5. Progress with goals
6. My husband, I sure do love that sweet boy!
Thursday, November 3, 2016
Halloween is Here
Halloween has never been high on my list of favorite holidays, but the fact that it's smack dab in the middle of the best season of the year is a little redeeming for all those ghostly and ghoulish traditions. That fall-factor saves Halloween from dead-last. Well that and St. Patrick's Day, because what is up with THAT holiday?!
This year Michael was repetitive about dressing up as "a wobot! [robot]" (said with both arms thrown high above the head) for more than three straight days. I had every intention of fulfilling that wish, but all was forgotten without a backwards glance when he spied an Elmo costume.
We had a great time Trick or Treating--my goodness it's been a long time! Michael chatted about porch decor and costumes the whole time. He was shy and quiet when faced with candy bowls, but said "tickle my treat" and "fank you" right on cue at every stop. [note: we practiced this for FHE one night by hiding JR in the pantry...I'm sure you are able to deduce the rest]
A few nights before Halloween we were invited to a murder mystery dinner. Our neighbors are pretty much murder mystery royalty so we had an amaaaaazing time. The night was circus-themed, which is typically indicative of sparkles and spandex. JR and I were cast as the acrobats, so we let the sparkles and spandex fly! Murder mystery parties are kind of our thing because that's how JR proposed. This one was absolutely a night to remember.
This year Michael was repetitive about dressing up as "a wobot! [robot]" (said with both arms thrown high above the head) for more than three straight days. I had every intention of fulfilling that wish, but all was forgotten without a backwards glance when he spied an Elmo costume.
We had a great time Trick or Treating--my goodness it's been a long time! Michael chatted about porch decor and costumes the whole time. He was shy and quiet when faced with candy bowls, but said "tickle my treat" and "fank you" right on cue at every stop. [note: we practiced this for FHE one night by hiding JR in the pantry...I'm sure you are able to deduce the rest]
A few nights before Halloween we were invited to a murder mystery dinner. Our neighbors are pretty much murder mystery royalty so we had an amaaaaazing time. The night was circus-themed, which is typically indicative of sparkles and spandex. JR and I were cast as the acrobats, so we let the sparkles and spandex fly! Murder mystery parties are kind of our thing because that's how JR proposed. This one was absolutely a night to remember.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
He is Still at Work
Most days I'm hopeful. I have hope for the future and so much hope for my family. I have a lot of hope that babies will fill our home. But today I realized that I would be having a baby soon if things had been different. I would be thinking more about filling a nursery and wrangling two kids, then I do about the hole in my heart. I'd be washing baby clothes and stocking up on a new size of diapers instead of feeling hyper-sensitive to every comment that includes me and the word "baby". I never sat down to figure out a specific would-be due date because I didn't want that day to come and go. I just know it's getting close.
I also thought that for sure I would at least be distracted from this day with another baby on the way. My rainbow baby. That baby that comes and brings light and color and hope after the darkness of a storm. My rainbow baby came for just a moment, and then that hope and light and color and promise was taken too.
I'll be honest, I haven't turned this struggle over to God in any significant way. Of course I have prayed for comfort and physical healing and even a bit of peace. But most of my dealing has been done in quiet times as I pour my heart into a journal, not a prayer. I have worked through my pain by reading other's experiences and using their words to validate my own feelings. And time has been the ultimate salve for my symptoms. Let so many seconds and moments and weeks and months pass until the pain is a little more numb and the reality is a bit further away, not close enough to reach out and almost touch.
But with all the dealing and self-validation and passing of time, it really has been only symptoms that have been treated. Feelings have been obscured, but I don't think I have done any real healing. I don't know, do you ever really heal from something like this? When you've lost two babies is that the sort of thing you can ever bounce back from? Do you ever stop worrying about the next loss?
I've always been overly-analytical. I like things laid out. I need to have answers. I am very linear. But I was reminded recently that my life is His work. His work is to bring to pass my immortality and eternal life. His work is my joy. So when I am weak and lack the panoramic view, He still knows. And He is still at work.
I also thought that for sure I would at least be distracted from this day with another baby on the way. My rainbow baby. That baby that comes and brings light and color and hope after the darkness of a storm. My rainbow baby came for just a moment, and then that hope and light and color and promise was taken too.
I'll be honest, I haven't turned this struggle over to God in any significant way. Of course I have prayed for comfort and physical healing and even a bit of peace. But most of my dealing has been done in quiet times as I pour my heart into a journal, not a prayer. I have worked through my pain by reading other's experiences and using their words to validate my own feelings. And time has been the ultimate salve for my symptoms. Let so many seconds and moments and weeks and months pass until the pain is a little more numb and the reality is a bit further away, not close enough to reach out and almost touch.
But with all the dealing and self-validation and passing of time, it really has been only symptoms that have been treated. Feelings have been obscured, but I don't think I have done any real healing. I don't know, do you ever really heal from something like this? When you've lost two babies is that the sort of thing you can ever bounce back from? Do you ever stop worrying about the next loss?
I've always been overly-analytical. I like things laid out. I need to have answers. I am very linear. But I was reminded recently that my life is His work. His work is to bring to pass my immortality and eternal life. His work is my joy. So when I am weak and lack the panoramic view, He still knows. And He is still at work.
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Michaelisms
Oh that little Michael. He's such a character, and so fun to be around.
He's a great little helper in the kitchen. When I'm cooking he lives to see what's going on. If he's not sitting on the "wall" (counter) we have a little routine where he pushes and I pull a chair from the table around to the counter. I love our kitchen chatting and mixing and feeding bits of the cooking to my little buddy. The other day while I was cooking dinner I said, to myself, "what the...?" "heck" was Michael's contribution without missing a beat.
Michael LOVES to do the dishes. Sometimes when I need to get something done, I'll fill the sink with water and measuring cups and he determinedly washes every bit of dish he can get his hands on. It's not the same in the bathtub or even the pool. I guess there's something about helping in the kitchen...
We got Michael a Little Tikes car for Christmas, and he would be happy with that and no other toy ever again. He loves it. He also loves to order chicken and "fre-fries" through the window much too often for my liking. I mean, what's wrong with ordering imaginary carrots every once in awhile? ;)
Michael still calls me "mama" and I can't get enough of how sweet it is. "SawMama" to apologize and "okay, Mama" when I talk to him and ever need a response. "Okay" is everything. "Michael, would you like some lunch?" "Okay!" "Should we go swimming?" "Okay!"
If I ask Michael about a scratch he'll say "Ashes" which is code for; "I fell down." Kills me. This, coincidentally is also his response whenever someone falls; "Mama, ashes!"
When I ask him what he wants to eat, it's always "beans and chocolate". More recently it's been TACOS! He's never, to my knowledge, had a taco. How does he know these things?!
He LOVES, with all the love he has, Hotel Transylvania 2. He quotes it. He watches it at least in part on a daily basis. Sometimes I try to tempt him with trains or cars or Minions, but we always come back to "Hotel".
The guy hates, with all the hate he has, Nursery. We're still at the sobbing-heaving-sobs-if-he's-left-alone stage. Does anyone know how to cure this? I struggle knowing what to do! Do I just leave him? I feel badly for the teachers. Navigating all those toddler feelings? Hard. And of course I hate to hear his little heart breaking all over the Nursery's ancient firetruck toy.
Crying because you don't want to go to bed, but you need to sleep because your brain is growing and I'm failing your future perfect IQ by letting you stay up too late? Fine. Crying because you're too young to realize that I'm not abandoning you forever, you will eventually see your family again and all these people are strangers but you need to learn how to be forsaken and deserted? Not fine.
See why I struggle?
Our nursery struggles aside, this boy is one of the very best parts of my life. I love his laugh and his adorable personality that is oh so silly. He is curious and thoughtful and kind and brave. Thank you, Michael for being my little boy. Happiness is being your mama. I love you more.
He's a great little helper in the kitchen. When I'm cooking he lives to see what's going on. If he's not sitting on the "wall" (counter) we have a little routine where he pushes and I pull a chair from the table around to the counter. I love our kitchen chatting and mixing and feeding bits of the cooking to my little buddy. The other day while I was cooking dinner I said, to myself, "what the...?" "heck" was Michael's contribution without missing a beat.
Michael LOVES to do the dishes. Sometimes when I need to get something done, I'll fill the sink with water and measuring cups and he determinedly washes every bit of dish he can get his hands on. It's not the same in the bathtub or even the pool. I guess there's something about helping in the kitchen...
We got Michael a Little Tikes car for Christmas, and he would be happy with that and no other toy ever again. He loves it. He also loves to order chicken and "fre-fries" through the window much too often for my liking. I mean, what's wrong with ordering imaginary carrots every once in awhile? ;)
Michael still calls me "mama" and I can't get enough of how sweet it is. "SawMama" to apologize and "okay, Mama" when I talk to him and ever need a response. "Okay" is everything. "Michael, would you like some lunch?" "Okay!" "Should we go swimming?" "Okay!"
If I ask Michael about a scratch he'll say "Ashes" which is code for; "I fell down." Kills me. This, coincidentally is also his response whenever someone falls; "Mama, ashes!"
When I ask him what he wants to eat, it's always "beans and chocolate". More recently it's been TACOS! He's never, to my knowledge, had a taco. How does he know these things?!
He LOVES, with all the love he has, Hotel Transylvania 2. He quotes it. He watches it at least in part on a daily basis. Sometimes I try to tempt him with trains or cars or Minions, but we always come back to "Hotel".
The guy hates, with all the hate he has, Nursery. We're still at the sobbing-heaving-sobs-if-he's-left-alone stage. Does anyone know how to cure this? I struggle knowing what to do! Do I just leave him? I feel badly for the teachers. Navigating all those toddler feelings? Hard. And of course I hate to hear his little heart breaking all over the Nursery's ancient firetruck toy.
Crying because you don't want to go to bed, but you need to sleep because your brain is growing and I'm failing your future perfect IQ by letting you stay up too late? Fine. Crying because you're too young to realize that I'm not abandoning you forever, you will eventually see your family again and all these people are strangers but you need to learn how to be forsaken and deserted? Not fine.
See why I struggle?
Our nursery struggles aside, this boy is one of the very best parts of my life. I love his laugh and his adorable personality that is oh so silly. He is curious and thoughtful and kind and brave. Thank you, Michael for being my little boy. Happiness is being your mama. I love you more.
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