He is Still at Work

Most days I'm hopeful. I have hope for the future and so much hope for my family. I have a lot of hope that babies will fill our home. But today I realized that I would be having a baby soon if things had been different. I would be thinking more about filling a nursery and wrangling two kids, then I do about the hole in my heart. I'd be washing baby clothes and stocking up on a new size of diapers instead of feeling hyper-sensitive to every comment that includes me and the word "baby". I never sat down to figure out a specific would-be due date because I didn't want that day to come and go. I just know it's getting close.

I also thought that for sure I would at least be distracted from this day with another baby on the way. My rainbow baby. That baby that comes and brings light and color and hope after the darkness of a storm. My rainbow baby came for just a moment, and then that hope and light and color and promise was taken too.

I'll be honest, I haven't turned this struggle over to God in any significant way. Of course I have prayed for comfort and physical healing and even a bit of peace. But most of my dealing has been done in quiet times as I pour my heart into a journal, not a prayer. I have worked through my pain by reading other's experiences and using their words to validate my own feelings. And time has been the ultimate salve for my symptoms. Let so many seconds and moments and weeks and months pass until the pain is a little more numb and the reality is a bit further away, not close enough to reach out and almost touch.

But with all the dealing and self-validation and passing of time, it really has been only symptoms that have been treated. Feelings have been obscured, but I don't think I have done any real healing. I don't know, do you ever really heal from something like this? When you've lost two babies is that the sort of thing you can ever bounce back from? Do you ever stop worrying about the next loss?

I've always been overly-analytical. I like things laid out. I need to have answers. I am very linear. But I was reminded recently that my life is His work. His work is to bring to pass my immortality and eternal life. His work is my joy. So when I am weak and lack the panoramic view, He still knows. And He is still at work.