Desperate Disaster

Yesterday was one month of being a working mother. I cry a lot and I don't know if I will ever get adequate sleep again. I think the lack of sleep and the crying are somewhat related. Okay, they have everything to do with each other. I'm not a crier.

Last night I was pumping and I bumped the bottle, spilling all over the couch. I don't know if other moms feel this way, but that stuff is like gold and I'm spilling it on the couch!! I cried. Then I started feeling like I was doing everything wrong. I couldn't provide food for my baby, let alone feed it to him. I had only gotten 40 total minutes of baby time all day and I just knew he was going to forget who I am. I have some crazy hormone recovery going on and then everything gets jumbled again because breast feeding does not prevent menstruation, if you were wondering. HOW did that work for my mom?! On top of it all, my hair is falling out in gargantuan clumps. I think it's almost gone, and JR accidentally poisoned me with a beautiful necklace for my birthday. (He bought me a ruby and silver "M" initial to represent me, my Michaels, my new role as mommy... very thoughtful but I broke out in hives and have scratched my neck raw from wearing it twice. There is maybe nothing more aggravating than an itch).

Are you getting this? The thinning hair, the hives, the bags under my eyes and the shambled, desperate mother look I'm rocking these days? Get that image, because that's how I'm picturing myself lately. Desperate is really the most accurately descriptive word I can conjure. I'm feeling it, and I'm sure my look is screaming it.

And then, in every part of my life the universe is figuratively hitting me in the face with the message that I am a princess. A daughter of a King. Noooo. Are you serious? Can I be that later? I don't think this current disaster qualifies.

Mid-brush off I found this quote:

"He loves you not only for who you are this very day but also for the person of glory and light you have the potential and the desire to become." -President Uchtdorf 

He loves this current desperate disaster? Could He? I knew it was true. And I knew that love was so much bigger than I understood. He doesn't just love this version of me, He loves the confident, healthy, strong person I can become. The version where I'm rocking great hair, I've had plenty of sleep and I don't feel desperate. He loves the emotional disaster I am as a working mother and the version of me as a kind woman who understands her place and contributes to His work in a significant way.

So I'll let this eternal origin comfort me when I'm not exactly who I wish I was. I'll use it help me pull it together and make one step closer to the royalty I have the right to claim.