Loosing Something

A few weeks ago, I lost my baby. Maybe people think I'm dramatic because I wasn't very far along. Maybe others think my body or that baby weren't quite ready for a pregnancy so good thing it didn't work out. Maybe it's so common that it shouldn't be so hard. But three weeks post lots of blood, pain, a surgery and emotional scars that might never completely heal, I don't buy any of it.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."
-Maya Angelou

It makes me sad to think of all the milestones I will never experience with this child. It makes me sad to think that a living, healthy pregnancy was terminated and removed because my body messed up.

In the middle of trying to navigate lots of devastation, I came across a drawing of a woman with a gaping hole that went straight through her middle. That perfect depiction of my feelings often has me glancing down at my now empty middle, surprised that the same hole isn't staring back at me. I've held that same empty middle so tightly it hurts, because it makes sense that holding on that tightly will keep me together when it feels like I am going to shatter into a million pieces. There are some holes that will never be filled.

I have a lot of questions, and I don't need answers. I DO know that restoration applies to me. In some way, someday, I will know that baby I lost.

Little one, I will spend the rest of my life recognizing moments full of you. I will always wonder who you would have been. I carried you every second of your life, and I will spend the rest of mine loving you.